Our newest member

Our cozy family of three has now become a cozy family of four! Miles West joined us on January 8, 2014. I gave birth at home, in the middle of our living room. It was a beautiful birth that I'd like to write more about, but if the past is any indication I won't get around to it for about a year. 

A letter to Luke at 17 (almost 18!) months

Wearing daddy out.

Well hello there. Before you say anything, yes, I am aware that I have somehow neglected to record ANYTHING about the last 6 months of your life. In my defense, it's not as though anything interesting happened. You didn't start walking, or having conversations, or telling us you loved us, or saying 'Amen' at the end of every prayer, or become a toddler instead of a little baby... except, sweet boy, you DID start doing all those things, and I was so busy enjoying it all that I didn't take a moment to write it all down. If you like, when you are 30 and in therapy because of all your complicated feelings, you can tell Bob ( Your therapist is named Bob. You can tell him I said so.) that this lapse of six months is where it all began.

Eating pho. It was adorable. You thought it was the bee's knees.

Enough about the past though!  Lets concentrate on what's going on right now! You are amazing. You are a living, breathing, human being with thoughts and feelings and motivations. It's an wonderful thing to see. So many times I stop and look at you and remember that squeezy baby in my arms and marvel at how far we've come. For one thing you're a speaking machine! You don't talk all the time, but you repeat the stuff we say a lot. You are constantly shocking us with words that seem to come from nowhere. The other morning I was groggily nursing you (groggily because you like to wake up at 5am) and you were excitedly taking breaks to tell me stuff. Most of it was unintelligible, but out of nowhere I hear you say: 'The seagull says 'Caw,caw!'" I almost dropped you! Just the day before we had gone to Federal Hill park with titi Kels and on the way home that's what we said to you every time we passed a seagull swooping over the water.

Playing with titi Kels at the park.

At Costco with Claire and titi Cyn.

Discovering the train table at Toys 'r' Us.

Titi Cynthia, Uncle Alex and Claire moved in upstairs from us. That means that you and Claire get to have grand adventures together every day. All I have to say is, "Do you want to play with Claire?" and you're at the door, trying to get up there Right Now. Speaking of at the door...we've had to start locking the deadbolt on our hallway door, because you kept escaping. One time grandma Muz and Uncle Steve were over and I said: "Where is Luke?" You were in the hallway trying to reach the elevator button. The scary thing was that your toys were out there, so you must have been playing there for awhile. If you're old enough to read this then you'll be aware of how distracted mommy gets when talking to people and you'll understand how this could happen.

Climbing the stairs at Federal Hill Park.

Our New Congregation is starting to feel less like Our New Congregation and more like just Our Congregation. A lot of this is because of how very much they love you. It warms our hearts to see you get cooed over, and tickled, and cuddled to your hearts content after every meeting. Service is even more fun for you. You get the undivided attention of whoever is next to you and you love it.

All the kids in our congregation.

Do you want to hear something cool? You READ. You read your first word at 15 months. I held up the word EYE and didn't say anything. You excitedly pointed to your eye!
Just this past week you revealed that you can read more than that one word. You kept pointing to where I store your bits and saying "in-doh, in-doh". The card that was facing out had the word WINDOW written on it. I asked you doubtfully  "do you mean window?" "Uh, uh, uh!" you said. (that's how you agree with things right now.) I decided to test you a little. I pulled out the card that had KISS written on it. "Luke, what is this?" You ran over to the card and planted a juicy kiss on it! I then pulled out the card that says BANANA, and brought it over to you, "Luke what does this say?" "Ba-na-na." you replied. I was in shock, I am in shock and I'll stay in shock. It is so stinking cool you can do that.

You love to sing. You worked for a month on the tune to Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. You hear it a lot, because daddy uses that tune when he reads you the book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? He sings the entire book and you eat it up. (It's also the tune to Baa, Baa, Black Sheep and the ABC's.) You practiced and practiced until you got it right. You just started in on a new song this week. We think that it might be The Farmer In The Dell, but it's too soon to tell. I'll let you know next month.

Playing music at the park with daddy.

You are getting very tall. At your last doctor's visit you measured in at 34 inches. you were 15 months and that is off the charts for a 15 month old. You take after your daddy, and that makes this very short mommy very happy for you.

I hope things keep going exactly the way they have been going. You have created for me my favorite life I've ever had. And I've had a very fun life. You top it all. I hope I'm giving you your favorite life too.

We love you little bear, to the moon , twice around and back again.

Love mommy and daddy.

Luke's birth story

Luke turned a year old yesterday. It's seems like a good time to look back and remember his birth.

I had been having very strong Braxton-Hicks contractions for over a month. Especially in the evenings or if I exerted myself at all my belly would start tightening up and I would feel so much pressure! This caused a few false alarms, since the contractions would be rhythmic and even seem to increase in intensity and frequency over time. However they always petered out and I would be so disappointed. For the last few checkups I had been measuring in at 2 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced. We suspected that when labor started it would go quickly since my mom had very fast labors with both my brother and I. Her labor with me was only an hour and a half!

I was due on Tuesday, August 30, 2011. On the preceding Friday Hurricane Irene hit the Eastern Shore. My birth center was in Annapolis - an hour and a half and one very large bridge away from our house. We knew the hurricane was coming so we debated going to Annapolis and getting a hotel room before the hurricane hit us. We knew the bridge would close if the winds got to 50 knots and we didn't want to be stuck on the shore while I was in labor. Ultimately we decided to risk staying home, mostly because we didn't want to miss the hurricane party that would be going on at my parents house over the weekend. A few times over the weekend the contractions started getting stronger, but just like every time before they slowed before anything interesting happened. By this point I was convinced I would be pregnant forever.

That Monday morning I woke around 7:30am with strong cramps and heavy pressure. It was what I had been feeling all along so I didn't think much of it. The only real difference was my mood. I was annoyed and angry and ready for a fight. Chris saw the discomfort I was feeling and suggested I might be in actual labor this time. I reacted strongly to this. "I am not in labor! This is just like every other time! It's false labor! How could you not understand?"  My incoherent raving dissolved into tears and I retreated into the bathroom. I got into the shower on my hands and knees and positioned the shower head to spray on my back. It helped the pressure of the cramps. I was in there sulking for about 10 mins, crying if Chris even poked his head in, when Chris very wisely decided it was time to call in reinforcements. He asked my mom to come over. When she came in the bathroom to see how I was doing I sobbed to her that I was only cramping, but "Chris is being so mean to meeeee." Since this statement was so out of character and I was on my hands and knees rocking back and forth, moaning a little with the pain, she ignored my protestations and called the midwife, David. When she described my symptoms he agreed I could be in labor and told them to time my contractions. They were coming steadily and getting progressively stronger. Once I started to feel them get stronger than I had ever felt before, I allowed myself to start believing that this could really be it! Maybe I would get to meet my baby today! Once I let that hope in and admitted I might possibly be in labor my whole mood changed. I got so excited! I felt mortified that I had gotten so angry over nothing and hated that I had started the first day of my baby's life in a bad mood. Of course, looking back I know now that my mood was just a signal that labor was finally starting.

Chris holding me on the floor of the van,  mid-contraction.

We decided to head toward Annapolis and called the birth center to let them know we were on our way. That's when we found out that even though Hurricane Irene had left the Eastern shore largely unscathed it hadn't been as kind to the Western shore. There were massive power outages and the birth center had no electricity and no generator. They told us that I couldn't give birth there and I would have to go to Anne Arundel Hospital. I was horrified. I could give birth in a hospital 10 mins away from my house! I was driving over an hour and a half to birth naturally in a tub, with a midwife and candles if I wanted them, darnit! My anger had no effect on them. Neither did my assurances that I didn't need electricity to give birth. We began to drive and I hoped that the power would be restored on our way there. I loved that drive.Chris and I sat on the floor of the van in a little nest of pillows and blankets and he held me during every contraction. I got to stare up at him and I tried to imprint those last moments with just the two of us in my head.

When we got to the hospital they admitted me to an exam room so they could see how far along I was. I was sort of hoping that I wasn't very far along so that I could wait for the power to come back on at the birth center. When they checked me though, I was already at 5 centimeters dilated! I started crying, and told them I could stop the labor, I wanted to wait until I could birth the way I had PLANNED IT!! The midwife told me very kindly, but very firmly that I was going to give birth at the hospital. End of discussion. I think that the nurses must have taken pity on me because they gave us the VIP birthing room. When we walked into the very large room and saw floor to ceiling windows, kitchenette and a huge bathroom, I started to feel a little better about birthing there.

Fetal monitoring me while I balanced on a birthing ball.

I had been in labor for about 7 hours at this point, but it hadn't been difficult at all. As we were getting settled into the hospital room I got my first indication that labor might become, well, painful. Up until that point I had only felt pressure during my contractions. For the next few contractions I the pain made me moan and groan. Truth be told, at this point I was kind of reveling in the fact that I was finally feeling real labor.They hooked me up to the fetal monitor and started tracking my contractions. Chris had spent the last several months doing clinical rotations in labor and delivery and he was able to read the printout. He made an offhand comment about my contractions being at a 20 or 30, but he was used to seeing women labor with a Pitocin drip and they started at 50 or 60. The comment stuck with me because I thought my contractions were intense already. I couldn't fathom what 50 or 60 could feel like. And then that thought went further. Did that mean the scale went to 100?!!? I felt like I could quickly lose control.

I decided I needed to move, so we began walking around the large circular corridor. It was during that first walk that I realized that I would either control this labor or it would control me. I realized that for me moaning was only making it feel like work. I felt that each moan was a complaint. They made me tense up and the pain was much worse. So instead I decided to start deliberately relaxing during each contraction.     (My mom had done a Bradley class with us and I found that it helped immensely. It was through the Bradley book that I had learned that it WAS possible to experience labor calmly.) So when the contractions would start I would breath slowly and repeat in my head, "You can do this. This is no problem. Just breath. Just breath. Good job. You can do this." Eventually I stopped just thinking this in my head and I started repeating it over and over in a low murmur. The unusual thing was, I found it very upsetting if anyone else tried to say these words to me. I was the only one going through it, so only I could tell myself it would be OK. This breathing and self-coaching gave me back my control during labor. I can't say I really felt any pain once I figured out my formula. It truly felt like I was riding a wave during each contraction. Over the next several hours it felt like we walked miles. When a contraction would start, I would stop, lean against Chris and rock while I talked myself through it. My mom or Bonnie would hold a lavender scented hot pack of rice hard against my back. Then it would ease off and we would resume our circuit.

I eventually felt the need to be in water. The hospital had said that they didn't have tubs in the room, but this wasn't entirely true. They had very, very shallow tubs that covered half of my belly if I laid down in it. Even though it wasn't a deep tub, it sufficed. I spent a long time in that tub, swishing back and forth, back and forth. My mom or Chris would hold the shower head on my belly, and I loved the feel and pressure of the warm water. Eventually the contractions got so intense that I didn't know if I could keep doing this. I threw up around this time and that's when I got excited, because I knew the self-doubt and the throwing up added up to transition! The end was in sight! Unfortunately after about and hour of this the midwife checked me and told me I was only at 7 centimeters. All those hours of labor and still only 7 centimeters? The next several hours were tough. I was stuck in transition and I could feel my body weakening. I knew that I couldn't go on at this pace indefinitely and as I got tired it became harder and harder to be in control of my pain. Around this time, David offered me an epidural and it shocked me that I considered it at all. I was determined to do it naturally, but I was so, so tired of the pain. I ultimately told him no, but when he told me he wanted to break my water I jumped at the chance. Once he did that things moved more quickly. I didn't have the energy to move much anymore, so I stayed in bed. I don't have very clear memories of any of it after that point. I remember that I didn't want Chris to be away from me for even a second. I remember my dad came in to see how I was, and I found it too distracting to have someone new in the room. I remember that David told me to try changing positions. He thought it would be helpful to lay on my side. Once I did that, within a few contractions I started feeling the need to push. I think Bonnie was holding my hand at that point. She told the nurse and the nurse ran to get David. He came in and did a quick check and told me I could start pushing!

By that point it was just about midnight. We realized that Luke would be born not on August 29th, like we had thought, but instead right on his due date, August 30. Once David announced I could push the whole room exploded with excitement. People appeared out of nowhere and the bed was surrounded. My mom, Chris and the nurse held my legs and David sat on the bed in front of me. (I hadn't intended to push in bed, but for me it was the most comfortable position. The room had a special bed designed just for birthing and it had a bunch of different configurations it could morph into. I loved that bed. At one point I tried pushing on my hands and knees and I hated it. It felt so much more painful.) When it came time for my first push I did it just like you see in the movies. I screwed up my face and I screamed! David said me that wasn't going to do anything and told me to concentrate on his voice. I closed my eyes and did exactly what he told me to do. He told me to hold my breath and push with all my might when a contraction hit. Then one very quick breath in and hold it again for another mighty push. I managed to get 2 pushes out of each contraction. All I remember about this time is peoples voices. David's telling me when to push and everyone else cheering me on. It was wonderful to feel so surrounded by love and support. When they saw his head you could hear Chris almost bursting from the excitement of it. They brought a large mirror in so I could see, but without my glasses I couldn't focus on a thing. Between pushes I thought I would pass out from exhaustion. I would let my head loll back and my whole body would go limp. Then the next wave would start. Finally he started to crown and I experienced what they called the ring of fire. His head came out not in one, but two pushes. There was most definitely no relaxing between those two contractions!! Once his head was out David told me to reach down and pull my baby out with my next push. That moment will always be one of the highlights of my life. I pushed and at the same time gently reached down and hooked my hands under my baby's arms. I have lifted my baby up a million times every day since, but I will never forget what it felt like the first time I did it. I put my baby on my chest and felt hands toweling him off and checking him, but all I could see was his little blueberry colored eyes blinking up at me. He was moving his mouth like a baby bird, so I did exactly what came naturally to both he and I. I put him right on my breast to nurse. We never had a problem with nursing. From the very beginning it was exactly what we wanted to be doing all the time. I know that eventually they cut the cord and weighed him and checked him, but all I could see was those big eyes looking at me while I cradled him. Even now I can see it like it just happened.

I found out later I had lost a good deal of blood, nothing dangerous, but enough that I was very woozy. There was stitching to be done, since I had torn a lot. I got to shower and I was moved to a new room where they tucked us all in for the night. Luke was placed in a bassinet by our bed, but I couldn't bear to be away from him so I slept that night with him tucked in right beside me. He had spent the last 9 months inside my body and I couldn't let him spend his first night away from me, the only familiar thing in his new world. I found out later it is against hospital policy for a baby to sleep with the mom, but the nurses never said a thing to me about it. They were all mothers too and must have understood that overwhelming need to be near your baby.

When we woke the next morning after only a few hours sleep. I stared at my baby and tried to memorize every bit of him. I couldn't quite believe that my baby was outside of me and so very beautiful.

Learning to change him that first morning.

It took me one year to the day to process Luke's birth. At first I was so disappointed that it hadn't been how I pictured it. Giving birth in a hospital was so different from what I had planned, but now looking back all I feel is satisfaction with the way things turned out. I had a healthy baby and was able to do it completely naturally. Ultimately what I remember about the birth are the people that I love surrounding me, pride that I was able to labor on my own terms, and the joy I felt when I held my son for the first time. In the end, I got exactly what I had hoped for.

A letter to Luke at 11 months

Dear Lucas,

I'd like to start this letter by saying that I LOVE 11 months. You are so much fun! There's a lot going on around here.

First of all, you are communicating a lot. No real words yet except besides Mommy and Daddy, but every once in a while we here you say stuff that sure sounds a lot like a word. like the other day you were staring in the mirror and said "baby" and twice yesterday after I said "bye" to someone, I would hear you say "buh" like a little echo. But so far there's no consistent enunciation. You do have a wide repertoir of pointing however. It's amazing to me how you never seem to tire of it. From the moment you wake up in the morning until the time we put you to bed your little hand is emphatically gesturing towards anything that interests you.

Speaking of pointing, it was so fun to watch you when Titi Cyn and Uncle Alex brought your cousin Claire to visit. You guys LOVED being around each other. You particularly loved pointing things out to her. You'd get so excited about it as if there was just so much that you had discovered and you were just waiting for someone littler than you to come along who you could share it all with! She was a very appreciative audience for you. She would obediently look at whatever you drew her attention to. It was so cute hearing you two talk to each other. We had no idea what it was you were saying to each other, but you guys seemed to think it was hysterical. All of us parents couldn't believe all of the new stuff you both started doing in the week that you were together. I guess that interaction spurred both of you on.

Nursing time.

I think you're wondering why Claire isn't standing up with you.

The only downside was that you seemed to have a fondness for Claire's delectable plump feet. You bit her pretty hard once and after that we had to watch to make sure you didn't go back for another nip!

We've been enjoying summer in the city. It's been HOT. To cool off a little we've headed to a kids fountain near the harbor that lets you run in and out of the water. You love it because of the water, but also because there are a ton of kids running around and you love to watch them.

Practicing lunges

We had a wonderful surprise this month. One Sunday Grandma, Nonni and Grandpa came up for a quick visit. You were very sleepy when they first got here. Can you tell?

Once you took your nap you felt a lot better. Then we all went for a walk by the harbor.

Yep. All better now.

Something else you love to do is make messes. you really prefer things that present a bit of a challenge to get into. Case in point: This box of straws took a good 15 minutes for you to get into. There was a little window on the front that you kept sticking your hand into. You would reach in, get a handful of straws and then cry out for me because of course your hand was stuck in that small opening. It's very hard to convince an 11 month old to let go of things. This happened a couple of times until you decided there must be a better way. You realized the top opened and Voila! the mess was made. This one took quite a while to pick up. Those little straws are slippery!

The box of cards is also a favorite mess to get into.

Playing with daddy at the park is also fun!

And when mama tries to get away you can always take her down.

Love you little bear. All the way to the moon and twice around the earth.
Mommy and Daddy

Swollen foot.

Luke dropped a can of tomatoes on my foot this morning. Not the tomato paste size either. The biggest size whole tomato kinda can. It hurt. I cried. Luke thought I was laughing at first. He got so excited and laughed too. Then he realized I wasn't rocking back and forth and holding my foot cause I was happy. He got so concerned. He stopped laughing and crawled over and patted me while babbling in a soothing way. It was almost worth the hurt foot to see him do something so cute. Almost.
Have I mentioned that I LOVE living in the city? It fills a little spot in my heart I didn't even know was empty. Running errands is an adventure every day. We had to get Luke's health insurance sorted out today. The office is downtown so Luke and I walked there. It was fun to finally go into one of the big high-rise office buildings. It was fun to have the doorman make us sign in and then tell us to take the elevator to the 15th floor. It was fun to look down on the roofs (rooves? Roovi?) once we got up there. I wonder if the novelty will ever wear off?
We went to the opening of Anthropologie in Harbor East after that. It was amazing. It's a huge store and it's laid out in a really cool way. I think that with the exception of the Anthro at Rockefeller Center it's the prettiest one I've seen. I have a feeling that we're going to be spending lots of time there browsing.
We rode the bus home and I came to the reluctant realization that this stroller is just not practical for the city. Some bus drivers let me keep it open on the bus, but most make me fold it up. There is absolutely no way to fold it while holding Luke and whatever bags I have stowed away in the bottom. Plus it's huge, so I can't carry it one handed. I have to rely on strangers to help me every time. I think that we might to need to get one of those cheapy umbrella strollers for any time I suspect we'll be using transit. Of course, it is fun seeing how kind people are. I have yet to ride a bus and not have several strangers offer to help me.

The everyday.

One of my favorite things about being a mom is that the everyday things we do are now so exciting when seen through the eyes of a 10 month old. Like touching water. Before I had Luke, when was the last time I bent down to put my hand in water as we walked by a fountain? Uh, not often. Now we do it all the time.
There's this park near us that has a shiny metal fence. Part of the fence is a xylophone that you can tap to play music. Luke loves to put his hands on it and feel the vibrations when I hit it. Now every time we pass a metal fence his breath catches and he starts waving his arms to touch it. This makes me look very funny as I try to oblige him by producing vibrations out of wrought iron.

A letter to Lucas at 10 months.

Hello little one!

Ten months has been a fun age for all of us. We've had so much fun watching you grow. We’re starting to notice more and more traits that we associate with toddlers. Like the way you now prefer to wander and explore between bites of food. How you love to point at each new thing you see, waitingfor us to notice and then identify it for you. How you like to play with your toys now in a totally different way. You’re using them now, not just as chewtoys and objects with which to hit things, but in the way in which they wereintended to be used. You’re favorite at the moment is a small foam ball thatyou roll and then chase all over the apartment. You like to hit it with thehandheld cheese grater. The grater is flat so it looks like you’re playing cricket. The other day you spied the cheese grater in the dishwasher and crawledup into the dishwasher to get it.

Lucas in the dishwasher, trying to get to the cheese grater.

We've moved to Baltimore and have been settling into citylife over the past month. You've handled the transition really well. There hasbeen a lot of clinginess to me, but that's really to be expected sinceeverything is so new here. You've been having a great time exploring our newapartment. It's huge - over 1100 square feet -so you've been getting yourexercise crawling all over it. You've banished that belly crawl once and forall. You've got serious space to cover now and you've decided that it requiresserious crawling. Hands and knees only!

You're trying to talk to us all the time now, and you talkto yourself a lot too. We can understand some of the babbles. When you want toeat  you do a really distinctive coughing sound in the back of yourthroat.  When we're out of your sight youdo this high pitched sound that reminds me of a sonar. Perhaps you're hopingit'll ping off of us so you will always know our exact whereabouts?  When you wake up from your nap and you wantme to come get you, I swear you say "Coo-eee" in a sing-songy voice.You know, like an upper-crust, 60 year old British woman? When I go in to getyou, I always expect to see you sporting a gray chin-length bob, wearing an ill-fittingmen’s hunting jacket and waving your gardening gloves at me. Perhaps somedayI'll be changing your diaper and you'll confide to me that Mrs. Watkins downthe street is letting her rose bushes get into the most dreadful state. ThenI'll know that it wasn't just my imagination.

You aren’t in a car that much anymore. We either walk, ortake the train or bus now. You love not being confined to your car seat whilein a moving vehicle. The only challenge has been to stop you from licking everysurface on said buses and trains. Well that, and getting you to not press thebright yellow strips running down the sides that say “Press To Signal Stop”.More than once you’ve pressed them and I’ve had to yell to the front that it wasa mistake. I’m seriously thinking of writing the city and asking them to paintall of those strips a very boring Soviet-style gray. It would no longer beattractive to babies and since it would be hard for everyone to find, the busdrivers would no doubt have far less stops to make.

Lucas on the train. Isn't he pretty?

Living close to daddy’s work has been wonderful. It meansthat daddy can come home for lunch. This means that twice a day as you hear daddywalk in the door you start waving your arms excitedly and then crawl toward thedoor while saying “dada, dada” over and over. It's adorable. It’s a  long hallway you have tocrawl down to get to the door, so you’ve also learned to say ” I’m just goingto take a little breather”, “Water, please” and “I’d be there faster dad, butmy sciatica is killing me.” 

We love every minute that we spend with you sweet boy, and we love that you make everyday so much more fun as we see it through your eyes.

We love you little bear,

Mommy and Daddy